Waves

It is Sunday, the 26th of September.  We are parked in our little van right next to the ocean listening to the waves crashing on the beach.  We drank beer and watched the surfers.  We ate a nice dinner, greek salad, chicken Marsala, and mashed potatoes.  White cake with raspberry filling and white buttercream frosting.  Delicious.  Dr. Oz would not approve.
We are near Venture.  Only a half days drive to our home in Indio........but will we travel there tomorrow?  Or stay here another day to watch more surfers, maybe even walk the beach.  It is nice not to have to decide now, we can wait until tomorrow.
After all......tomorrow is another day.

THE BOOK

OMG!  I sent out 6 query letters regarding my book.  I got a rejection.  Oh well.  Then......the second agent I sent a query letter to asked for the first ten pages of the book!  Yes, for real.  I know it doesn't mean it will get published, but it is a step, the second step!
will I sleep tonight?  Nah...but I will dream and hope.
Then........wait to hear.  That's the scary part.

First rejection

Yes, I got my first rejection.  It was one of those automatic ones.  Oh well.  I didn't cry.  I took it okay.  And sent out five more query letters after making a few very needed changes.
I am tired tonight.  We worked really hard today, getting things ready to head south for the winter.  Not done yet, but getting there.
Tomorrow I go shopping with my two girls.  It will be interesting.
Just so y'all know.  I am not crazy.  I am depressed and have been for fourteen years.  I have tried lots of medications, some good, some horrid.  I know that the med I am on now is not perfect, but I can at least live with the side effects.  I have no desire to try any other.  So.......I have ups and downs.  Oh gosh so does everyone.  For some reason some members of my family think that this means I am losing it.  Well, I am not.   I get emotional, sometimes very emotional, and I cry, but give me a break, there are reasons, good ones, for me to get emotional.
I FEEL GOOD about myself.  I THINK I handle the crap pretty well.
I am heading south for the winter with my loving spouse and I will continue to be happy and live my life.  And inspite of what some people may think, they are wrong.  I am happy.  I am good.  I am just me.  And that is enough.

Deep breath......then hit send.

I did it.  I finally sent off my first query letter.  It felt wonderful and terrifying at the same time.  I really just want someone to read my book.  Of course, like all others, I want them to like it, I do, a lot.
Writing is a passion I have developed late in life, I don't know if I am any good or not, I just know that the story came to me one day and after sitting down at my computer the words flowed out almost without my knowing what they were.
I have been editing for a year.  Is that long enough?  I am sure and Agent would say no, but at some point you just have to submit.  So, point is, I submitted today.  Just one agent.  I will submit to more tomorrow, or maybe the next day.
I am breathing.

Today........

Some days are bad, really bad.  Some are good, some are better, but today..........today is jess FINE!
My mood is so improved I just want to smile.  No grin.  No giggle.
It is amazing how a bout with the down side of depression can make you so absolutely jubilant when it ends.  The energy comes back, the appreciation, and of course the passion for all things good.
TODAY IS FINE.  Today I am fine.  Old, wrinkled, pudgy, but fine.
I can hardly wait to begin again to do all the things I love.
Oh!  My espouso has been working today, so he doesn't know.  Won't he be happy when he comes home?
Oh yeah....
Hoo-rah!

Charging on

Again, we are moving.  I can't count the number of times we have unplugged the van and traveled down the road to another persons back yard to park for a few days or maybe weeks.  I will be very, very, glad when we can settle down in one place.  It is coming Saturday I think.  Yay!  But during our sorjourns we have had some awesome moments.  We have shared insights with friends.  Made new and better friends.  Had lots of laughter and, I, have come to know the reclusive side of myself.  As much as I love spending time with my friends, I have found that I am not at all distressed by the prospect of days in the van alone.  In fact, I enjoy it.  There is a sense of freedom rarely experienced by me that I revel in.
But, even this joy will end, on to other things, and I look forward to those too.  Who knows what lies ahead?  The threat of being mowed down by a milk truck?  Not likely, there aren't many of them around anymore.  Winning the Lotto?  Even less likely, there are more milk trucks out there than lotto winners.  It is the anticipation of the possibilities that stir me.
So we move.  Charging on to?  

tears

Thursday the 29th of July, I sit in my 21 foot van working on the computer.  Inside my head I am whining because where we are parked is not as convenient as we have had.  It's not bad, no, we are staying with a very good friend, but the little things, like having a place to put my sewing machine, a washer and dryer, a real toilet and shower to use anytime we choose, I miss these things.  I am a whiner.
And yet ............. Tears gather in my eyes for others.  Those who have worked and planned and loved a way of life that is now undergoing a change.  For the better?  Probably not.  I will admit I had fear when what they were doing was dangerous, (I am a chicken ninny), and secretly hoped for the day they would stop doing things that sent my bowels quivering, but I cry for their disappointment, the dreams and plans that have, at least for now, gone awry.
We all suffer when life changes in ways we don't choose.  Some get mad, I whine.  The smart ones, the lucky ones view the change as a challenge of something new, unplanned, exciting.  I think it is hard to view the unknown, formerly unwanted as an "Oh Boy!" moment.  But.... who knows, maybe it will open a whole new world, a good world, one they will later look back on with joy and be glad that they didn't miss it.
The clutch in my belly, the ache in my heart, the tears that make roads on my cheeks, these things are there.  They wait for those with shaking fears and lodden hearts to ease and smiles return to their faces and bodies.
I won't whine anymore today.  I am lucky.  I will send all the loving space in my heart to them, they need it right now.  I love them.  Their sadness has now become mine to bear.  I am glad.  I am lucky.