Charging on

Again, we are moving.  I can't count the number of times we have unplugged the van and traveled down the road to another persons back yard to park for a few days or maybe weeks.  I will be very, very, glad when we can settle down in one place.  It is coming Saturday I think.  Yay!  But during our sorjourns we have had some awesome moments.  We have shared insights with friends.  Made new and better friends.  Had lots of laughter and, I, have come to know the reclusive side of myself.  As much as I love spending time with my friends, I have found that I am not at all distressed by the prospect of days in the van alone.  In fact, I enjoy it.  There is a sense of freedom rarely experienced by me that I revel in.
But, even this joy will end, on to other things, and I look forward to those too.  Who knows what lies ahead?  The threat of being mowed down by a milk truck?  Not likely, there aren't many of them around anymore.  Winning the Lotto?  Even less likely, there are more milk trucks out there than lotto winners.  It is the anticipation of the possibilities that stir me.
So we move.  Charging on to?  

tears

Thursday the 29th of July, I sit in my 21 foot van working on the computer.  Inside my head I am whining because where we are parked is not as convenient as we have had.  It's not bad, no, we are staying with a very good friend, but the little things, like having a place to put my sewing machine, a washer and dryer, a real toilet and shower to use anytime we choose, I miss these things.  I am a whiner.
And yet ............. Tears gather in my eyes for others.  Those who have worked and planned and loved a way of life that is now undergoing a change.  For the better?  Probably not.  I will admit I had fear when what they were doing was dangerous, (I am a chicken ninny), and secretly hoped for the day they would stop doing things that sent my bowels quivering, but I cry for their disappointment, the dreams and plans that have, at least for now, gone awry.
We all suffer when life changes in ways we don't choose.  Some get mad, I whine.  The smart ones, the lucky ones view the change as a challenge of something new, unplanned, exciting.  I think it is hard to view the unknown, formerly unwanted as an "Oh Boy!" moment.  But.... who knows, maybe it will open a whole new world, a good world, one they will later look back on with joy and be glad that they didn't miss it.
The clutch in my belly, the ache in my heart, the tears that make roads on my cheeks, these things are there.  They wait for those with shaking fears and lodden hearts to ease and smiles return to their faces and bodies.
I won't whine anymore today.  I am lucky.  I will send all the loving space in my heart to them, they need it right now.  I love them.  Their sadness has now become mine to bear.  I am glad.  I am lucky.

North to Washington

Our darling doctor, we love him so.  He gave us the green light to head north.  Health problems can wait until we return south in the fall.  Hmmm.  Friday afternoon, do we dare to leave now?  Of course we dare!
So, within hours of this good news we were on our way, through LA and over to the coast.  We stopped for the night at about 11:00pm.  Pooped. We drove and drove, then drove some more, drooling over people parked and enjoying the ocean, we stopped for meals and fuel and to sleep about 10 or 11 each night.  We arrived Mondy afternoon with hours to spare before Howard had to be at his volunteer fireman meeting.
The next few days staying at Kristins were busy, getting hair colored, arranging the 25th wedding anniversary dinner to be catered, SHOPPING, oh yes, there had to be a little shopping.  Two of the dresses I made for the 'event' had to be altered a tiny bit, and some pressing.  Flower girl baskets decorated, the arbor set up, flowers were chosen and arranged, music listened to and timed, a rehearsal dinner with rehearsal completed, then it was THE DAY.
My son Robert and family arrived the night before from California, so we were now all together.  Showers for 13, timing was tight, then our lovely Amy came to do our hair, I got to be first, yay, because it was my anniversary.  Last minute printing of the words to be read by our youngest daughter, Courtney, who orchestrated the ceremony, then before I was ready it was time.    Everyone was seated, the music began, "That's All", by Michael Boublais (?).  After a few bars, the flower girls began their descent down the long stairs, assisted by Tim, age 13, so they would not fall.  Each of the four girls did a great job, but oh! when they arrived at the 'alter' they still had petals!  Of course, the only answer was to dump all the baskets upside down.  Petals, petals everywhere.  The laughter and giggles warmed everyones hearts.
Then my oldest grandson, Nathan, age 16, walked me down the stairs, (don't want the old lady to fall do we?) and up the 'aisle' where miraculously I arrived just as the song ended.  Perfect timing.  Lucky.
Courtney read the ceremony, Howard said his vows, oh my gosh, how mushy were they!, then I said mine, we kisssed, a real good one, then it was time to party.
Good champagne, family, friends, excellent cakes, (made by Courtney and Kristin).  Kristin and family had outdone themselves making their yard look beautiful, perfect for a renewal of vows.
Then the dinner arrived, hot and delicious and we ate, and ate, and ate.  What now?  There is more food.  Ah ha.  Leftovers!  We froze the lasagne for another day and sat around the house, inside and out, relaxing the rest of the evening away.  We even got to watch a video of the whole event done, to our happy surprise, by Robert.  Finally, Howard and I left, down the stairs, down the sidewalk, and into our twenty-one foot van with the twin beds.  The blissful place for the honeymoon?  Anyway...... I slipped into a new, hot pink, satin nighty and we went to bed, drifting off to sleep within minutes of our heads hitting the pillows.  End of a glorious day, hopefully to be remembered by all with the help of all the photos taken by Merrilee.  What a day!  What a family!
Do we really have to wait another twenty-five years to do it again?  Oh.  Howard says one renewal of vows is the lifetime limit.  Okay, at least we did it once.
Imagine, all three of my children, their three spouses, nine grandchildren, some very close friends and us!  All together!  That, is a dream come true.

hurry up and wait then HOPE

You go to the doctor and sit and wait in the waiting room for an hour, then another twenty minutes in the exam room, then finally he comes in and sits and reads your chart for five minutes before he addresses your issues.  If you are ten minutes late for your appointment they reschedule and charge you anyway.  Hmmmmm.
Why is my time worth so little?
Why is the doctors time worth so much?
We have been doctoring, some success, some failure.  It is so much fun.  Ha.
BUT........tomorrow is hopefully our last appointment and the doc will say we are great, just take the magic pill and whamo we will be perfect.  Then we can leave and head north for our renewal of vows on July 3rd.
I am excited, but wary of tomorrow.  What if the doc says we need to stay?
It's limbo again.
I just want to feel good.  I want my hubby to feel good.  Feeling rotten is getting very, very old.
Hope.  It is what I have left.

limbo

It's been a few days since I wrote.  They weren't pleasant.  Doctors, tests, more doctors, and not much as far as relief or results.  So we have schedule more tests.  Both me and my sweet husband are having tests and dotcors appointments.  What a drag.  I just want to feel good.  And I want him to feel good too.
Maybe soon.
I am happy.  I do love my life, most of the time.  That will have to be enough.  For now.

Bootstraps.

Oops!  My husband said that last nights blog was weird.  I think he may be right.  Oh well, it was just a mood.  A very strange mood.  Sometimes I express my moods in odd ways.  I guess that makes me odd.  Yeah.  Hmmmm.
It is Monday night, I don't fell very well.  Going to the doctor tomorrow.  Hope he can help.  Maybe my weirdness is fear.  Fear.  Cold, steel hard, shiny dark gray fear.  Edges blurry, not knowing what is going on, feeling tight in the chest.  Tears so close, throat constricted, antsy, just want to feel better.   I want it to be 3:10 tomorrow.  Actually, maybe a week from now when I am fixed.  Fixed.  Please, God, help them fix me.  I have so much I want to do, for my husband, for my children, for me.  Experiences.  But mostly I want to be around to help my family through tough stuff, scary stuff.  Right now I wish there was someone to hold my hand, to send that current of hope from their fingers to mine.
Funny thing..........If I am not here, I can't even help my loved ones with that.  Sad.  Morbid.  Gosh,  I think I'm down, Maybe just a bit.
Where did I put those boot straps?

saturdy night online

Well, I be jes sittin 'ere with ma computa on ma lap and doin a leetle bit of research.  Yeah, I be crazy.  Afta all, it is Sataday night, an I sure ain't a out dancin.
I did partake of a beer, uhuh.  Cold........ahhhh.
It's a bit warm, bout 88 degrees I spect.  Nice though.  Breeze keeps the bugs away.
Soon, it gonna be time to go to bed.  Not much diffrent then sittin here, cept I gets to shut ma ole eyes.  Yep.  Ma sweet lovin husband will be joining me.  He tired too.  Work hard, jes like me.
Life is good, y'all.  Day or night.  Jes bein live.  Make sure you preciate it.  Don't las too long though.
Member your Mama in your prayers tonight, 'thout her, you wouldn een be live.
Well........night all.  Mebe we see ya in  the marnin.  Mebe. If we's lucky.
Sing me a song, Lord, to hep me get to sleep.  A lullabye.  A sweet, soft lullabye that will send all ma fears away and let me float right on a cloud inta dream land.  Yeah........mmmm.....mmmmmm  thas it.  Eyelashes feel so soft on ma cheeks.  Whas that?  I caint quite hear ya.  Doan tell me ya ned sumpin now.  Iz driftin  way.  Hafta wait til marnin.  Mmmmm.